Tuesday, October 30, 2018

The Two Should Never become one. addicts marrying addicts

So with having just beginning his new life and working staying clean etc. Our son decides to "help" another addict. bad move On the one hand I admired him for wanting to help her on the other I knew this was a bad idea but he wouldn't listen to me as I know nothing about anything.

Soon they were a couple, both in methadone clinic, (more about those later). She has her baby my son claims as his own, they are living a new couples life. They fight constantly and things are crazy at that house. My son is finally off all probation after many years and a heavy pot smoker. 11 months after the little boy was born they had another baby their little girl. I immediately notice the mom is totally detached from this baby.

First my granddaughters birth was horrible, she was born breach fee first and was supposed to be a C section but that didn't happen in time so out she is coming. That kind of birth is very hard o the baby and dangerous. When she came out she was a smurf like blue from head to toe. It was bruising form having to fit through the birth canal before the head could widen it. Than their was the drug withdraw. Methadone is a pain killer. It is given to addicts to keep them from having withdraw symptoms that is it. Some think Methadone is a magic elixir that makes them not want drugs. No, again it is a pain killer a drug you get a slight high from it you would get more high if you take more, you can OD on it, it is a pain killer. No addict wants to go through withdraw symptoms when they cant do drugs so methadone keeps them from the symptoms and gives them a little boost and as an added bonus it is legal so you can do it all you want, and if your indigent you can get it with Medicaid. The real kicker is these clinics that get rich off your addiction and never try to get you off the crap. (Methadone deserves its own post, I will do that one later).

So back to the baby, mom doesn't even get out of bed to go see her. she had her tubes tied and is lying in bed screaming in pain and they basically keep her out of it with pain meds for 2 days.
Meanwhile the baby tests positive for THC and the hospital call's DCF (dept of children and families) and my son is calling all of them liars and threatening to beat up the NICU doctor. So he gets ushered out and cannot come back until he works it out with them. I stood outside the NICU leaning against the window just looking at this beautiful creature wondering if this is the beginning what is next for her. She has a tube in her head and two IV"s. I also notice she is trembling. I tap the glass and the nurse comes out at first she is quite rude and I know it is because of my son and his wife. First I said, I want to apologize for their bad behavior (my daughter in law yelled at them when they suggested earlier that she come hold her baby) please understand I am here for the baby and not the adults. A new relationship Begin.

The nurse tells me the baby is in withdraw from the Methadone. She said "and whatever else they take". she said she tested positive for Opiates. She said she wasn't as severe as some babies but, that it was very hard on her. I asked if she was in pain and she said yes. She is going through what every adult goes through.

touching them actually hurts them
body aches like the flu
mental confusion
oh, so much more much more

for two day's I stayed at that nursery window going in when they would let me. They had her right against the window so I could see her. The nurse would come and position  her so she could see me. See there was a baby in there with something going on and I never found out what so parents could only go in when that baby was out  the nicu for tests. I think it was some kind of immunity thing but really I don't know and they cannot tell you. Once in the morning and once in the late afternoon I could go in. My heart broke and my anger increased over the next few days as I watched this little baby cry, scream, shake and tremble with the chills. I stupidly asked the nurse once,"does it hurt her bad"? The nurse replied. "ever have the flu, it's like the flu times 10". I remembered how bad these parents complained of how bad detox was for them. Did they think of how bad it would be on a 7.6 pound infant. All I could do is stand there for two days and pray. Oh and mom never came down once.

I'm going to close this page, I will be trying to finish up next post. Well actually I plan to blog about addiction indefinitely, but about my family which I wanted to share as I wanted people to know, I have been there and the fact that I got myself out of there.

Thank you as always please leave a comment and definitely share on your social media where ever. We really need to reach out to folks with this message.

Thursday, October 25, 2018

Drug Addiction Destroyed Our Lives


Pot turns into pills, pills turn into needles
my opinion, if you have addictive tendencies 
you wont stop at pot

I'm going to divert from Our families story on drug addiction and the destruction of my family for just a bit. I've gotten a questions from couple of folks and I feel it is important and do want to address it to all. I just published the part 2 of the series and I don't want to spam you with another post right away, but like I said this if important for us to talk about. If 2 people have the same questions my guess is more do and just don't ask.

I grew up with 2 brothers that were drug addicts and alcoholics. They were bad. The both died due to their drug addictions. Neither overdosed, well one did but it was intentional not accidental. More about those two later. My son is a very bad drug addict. He has been for 18 years and he is only 33. 

An addict becomes a pro at lying and hiding. There were times that my son lied to us and we would have sworn before God he was telling the truth. They are great actors too. They can spin a story to get out of or get something better than any Hollywood star. When I think of the things I have been told and believed I cringe.

A drug addiction counselor I spoke with about my son once told me, "Kathy, do you know how to tell if an addict is lying to you? If their mouth is open they are lying to you". I think truer words have never been spoken. So, with that said let's get on to some of the signs of drug abuse. What I said earlier about "revolving" means, 20 years ago drugs may have been used differently than now. The little tricks of today are different. So for me as an older person of 58 that feels like 88 things I saw my brothers do and heard my mother talk about are no longer relevant. Some are still the same. 

  • MONEYif your child or loved one gets paid on Friday and is totally broke on Monday trying to beg borrow or steal your money, they are probably doing drugs.  My son went to 500.00 in a weekend. Drugs area expensive
  • STEALING If you are missing things from your home the addict might be stealing and selling them for drugs. Look for things not obvious. The tools you hardly ever use, the jewelry in a box you never look at, golf clubs never used. Are you missing drugs? I know of a girl that stole her little sisters ADD medicine and sold it for drugs she liked.
  • ILLNESS/INJURYSick, as in not wanting to get out of bed complaining aching stomach problems sweating (which made me think he was breaking a fever). Anything flu like. This would usually but not definitely be during the week. They are high all weekend and if they can all week, but they run out and get very sick within a day or two. They cant get up for work school anything. Don't think if you threaten the doctor they will stop because they would love to go to the doctor where they can play their pain card and maybe get some pain meds.
  • INJURYAre they getting injured all the time, complaining I hurt my arm, I fell on my knee I cant stand the pain. They know that they may get some pain meds out of the ER, and they usually do. My son pulled this one all the time. I was in the medical field but his "acting" was so good I thought he was dying until I caught on.
  • PARAPHERNALIA Are you missing spoons? A friend once told me she was missing spoons, they were just disappearing. She than realized her kid was taking them. I don't remember if she knew but I remember telling her that is how heroin and other drugs are freebased. They will crush up pain pills, Ritalin anything in a spoon with fluid and heat it from the bottom with a lighter to mix it up enough to inject it. 
  • Do you find tons of water bottle around without tops? Not long after she was telling me that all the water bottles were missing caps and bottles of water left untouched. Now this I had never  heard of but knew I was about to get educated. So I asked, she said this is what they use now to dilute the drugs in water to inject
  • Do you find your regular white vinegar missing, in another room or pouted in something else and hidden like in the purse night stand wherever? I was told this is what they dilute the drug. they will also use anything acidic like lemon juice. I would think it burns
  • Does your kid or the bedroom literally smell like a skunk has sprayed? This is skunk weed, Pot. yes in our day it didn't but now some does. I once thought he snuck out his window left it open and a skunk got in. My daughter corrected me. 
  • Weight loss, my son once told me its called being "sucked up". If they get high all the time they lose their appetite, sell lunch money for drugs etc. The get really skinny. They lose muscle mass quickly. 
  • AVOIDANCE Are they avoiding family members? Especially ones that might guess what they are up to? Like siblings or cousins who may have friends doing the same thing. 
  • Do they suddenly have a torch instead of a lighter. torches cook drugs
  • Are they either nasty to you or overly friendly like they want something
  • Are they mean to sibblings more than usual
  • Do old friends avoid them, like their old cheerleading bud or fishing buddy. 
How they may look
My kid got skinny, looked pale, was hypo glycemic meaning got dizzy, weak anxious due to low sugar. Red rimmed eyes. Not Blood shot they usually use visine for that and that is usually only caused by pot. Sleep all day or go days with no sleep.
I always err on the side of caution. Especially when I knew he was using. if I thought he was he probably was. 
This is the same girl on and off drugs. Sucked up

Where are they hiding the stuff? Right under your nose

They can't really store their drugs and or paraphernalia in their car, bike, backpack or school locker. They have to keep it somewhere. Even if they don't have any weed, pills or whatever. Chances are they have paraphernalia. In fact they love their paraphernalia. I know of a girl who took a silver spoon from her mother and it was her favorite free basing spoon she told me. I made her give me her pills and needles and she said "oh can I have that spoon it's my favorite free basing spoon". Yea, I was blown away too. So where to look. Well first lets ask if you should look.

do you feel its wrong to search your kids room. Do you feel it's wrong to look at your loved one, spouse/significant others phone or pockets. 

My opinion, You better. Look, if you know your husband has a problem with an addiction and he is in recovery or maybe not. But you start seeing old signs of substance abuse what should you do? To me this is a case of respect and trust. Not for them but for you. If you have put up with that crap and you think it's happening again, I feel you have the right to look in the car, pockets phone whatever. Believe me, they are not going to come home one day and say honey, I'm about to ruin your life again, just a heads up. 
Your kids room and belongings. Well, again and I might get it for this but that is not your kids room or belongings they are yours. Now if you have a perfectly well behaved child. Doing their school work and other activities and not acting like a nut than you might want to not go on a treasure hunt. But if for one minute you think they are doing something wrong, if any of the signs above are there you probably should. Think of it this way, you could be saving their life. You could be breaking a drug experiment before its a bad habit. 
I didn't search my boys room until it was too late. That was the first time he went to jail. I hit the mother load. I was scared to death. I didn't know what to do with all the stuff. I found syringes, papers, pot, pills, a bottle of anabolic steroids, tiny little baggies, some unused some used with residue in them. Can you tell I had never searched his room. But, you should have seen me running around the house not knowing what to do. Cant throw it out, what if the cops come to search his room can I go to jail. Oh what a mess. I had to call our lawyer to find out. He sent a private investigator that works for him to collect it. I told him oh I can drop it off. "Kathy, its drug paraphernalia, get caught go to jail", oh yea. You can read more about our story on my blog look for The Drug addiction destroyed our family series. Yes it was such a long crazy story it became a small series. 

Where to find the stuff
  • In the bedroom: under bed between mattress, behind head board (taped) in box spring
  • in pockets of clothes in drawers and closet, in shoes and purses.
  • Taped to the back of all furniture, bed mirror night stands, etc.
  • Taped under draws behind drawers under lamps, in stuffed animal, buried in a plant
  • We had a dog chew a hole in his carpet. He stuffed things under it. 
  • when ours got older he removed the ac vent and hid things in their
  • Out side, under sheds, planters in the dirt around trees and in flower beds. I don't mean dig up the front yard but does anything look out of place. But don't miss under the shed, I hit a gold mind there as well.
  • In the battery compartment of radios, clocks etc. I'm not kidding. A cop once told me I should come along with them when they raid these little brats rooms.  
There are the obvious place's as well I was highlighting the places we don't usually think about. 

Well I hope this has helped some. None of us deserve to go through this. You give someone your heart and they destroy themselves everyone in their life eventually. Our addict is our son, yours might be a sibling parent significant other. I write this blog in hopes that someone will see something that might help. Even if its just knowing they are not alone. Please look at the other posts and you will see the Drugs Destroyed our lives series.

Please comment, please share. If you subscribe by email you will get notified when new posts are written.

The above link is for my Facebookgroup, "I love an addict". It's a new group but growing and full of information and support.

Not trying to help them or make it better is the hardest thing 
to stop doing. You must let them fall. My kid hates me, but I might
have saved his and my grandchildrens life

Drug Addiction Destroyed our Family part 2

Hello all, I'm back. I'm going to be honest, I almost didn't want to come back for this 2nd post in the series about our family dealing with drug addiction. You see after writing the last post I began to feel anger and fear welling up again. When you have gone through it as long as I have you learn to set it aside when you can. You have to, if not you will lose your mind. There are things that bring it up again and you get those old fearful angry feelings all over. You have to catch yourself before it consumes you again. Right after I wrote the first post I began to feel those old bad feelings. On top of that I found a stuffed animal under my bed where my granddaughter left it the last time I saw her.

Recently I was chastised because I don't talk about recovery regarding my son. Well, let me just say that I don't believe that every addict recovers. If they did we wouldn't see this. 72000 deaths last year, 2017 to drug overdose. They didn't recover they died. Two of my brothers didn't recover they died.
I hope everyone hopes for recovery and that they get it. After 18 years of this with my child and the extent of his addiction, I'm sorry but I fear recovery isn't for him. I hope to God I'm wrong. Actually God can heal him I do believe that, I also know he is an Odinist and doesn't believe in God. I'm not sure how that works.

Our precious grand daughter. She is dressed up for date night with her papa,
She was born with THC in her system
and went through drug with drawl methadone and whatever else
 She is our world as we know
that since the day she was conceived her life has been a great struggle.
I think the children suffer more than any of us.

Believe me, it is cathartic to share all of this. It is important to share it as so many people are suffering with this problem. The Government is boasting about doing something about the "Opiod Crisis". So far I've heard nothing, Now yesterday Trump was supposed to tell us but the fake bombing news had to over ride that. Maybe another time.

It acured to me that if I explained and told the details of all of my stories it would take 10 posts not 3 and by than you would move on to another blog even it if was about how to eat sand just to get away from this one. 

I will try and get it all in but breeze through a lot of details. I will tell some stories that need to be told. 

I think its important to note that we were a normal family, My husband worked at  Patrick AFB until retirement. I was in the medical field for 25 years as an Office manager. We took them to church, we had wonderful family around, our home was modest but nice, we even put our son in private school in Jr. High as the school had a lot of bad kids in it. So our kid just shared drugs with the private school kids. It doesn't matter what you do where you live or how much money you have. Drug addiction does not discriminate. Heroin wants to kill all of our children.
Yes I do believe you do whatever you can to keep your kid away form the worst situations. Just don't be like us. Don't think you can let your guard down.

We opened an AC business for our son to have a trade as felons don't get good jobs.  My husband trained him and he was quite good, well on his way we thought. Clean, working hard, wasn't contacting old drug friends and living at home and treating us with respect. We had about a year of almost peace.But the ugly demon drugs reared its ugly head again.

After missing work, leaving customers in a lurch and stealing our personal belongings an business equipment and buying parts and tools on the business account and selling them. One day he came to work so high and thank God my husband met him there he sent him home. AC work can be very dangerous.

He came home and I was yelling at him about what he had been doing, I said what else do you want our blood? He threw the house phone at me hitting me in the chest. It was bruised and swollen. When his father came home after completing his sons job I said he has to go. Our son heard this and came out of his room screaming at me calling me every foul name and telling me I am crazy. He said I should go get a knife and cut my throat so others don't have to breath the same air I do.  I thought about saying wow, is that all you got but honestly I thought he was gonna hit me. Once he beat up his sister and tried to kill his father when he came in drunk. (yes were nuts)

His father and I that very night fired him and threw him out. That night. Not tomorrow, not when you find a place, tonight. He stayed with a friend. I was amazed that we did this and the moon didn't fall from the sky, that no one died because we finally did what we should have years ago. Remember  I said we never threw him out because he was young, we were afraid he would go to jail or get killed or kill someone. haha as if we had any sort of control.  We closed that business the next month. It took about 60,000 to open it up for about 1 year, simply trying to help him. My poor husband couldn't work it and work full time at the base and it was too small to sustain other paid workers to run it. Quite frankly we were getting to the point where we could barely hold our coffee cups.

He actually did great. The first few weeks he got a job, his own place and got in outpatient treatment. He started taking care of his little house and his dog and seemed very happy. I was proud of him and thought ok we did the right thing.

About 2 months into his being on his own his old friend, the man who befriended him at 15 and introduced him to alcohol drugs and breaking the law came back into our lives through his sister. Our son had known her when they were teenagers and he ran to her family when he was evading the law. People like this can be trusted to help you do what you shouldn't. They call it loyalty.

This young lady was 4.5 months pregnant, on heroin, and had no where to go. She also had a 6 yr old boy she couldn't take care of. So our son jumped on his horse and rode off and brought her home.  Just when you thought it couldn't get worse...….

It's probably time for a break, I sure hope you read the posts and I hope I can shed light on just one thing.

The next post will wrap up our son's life until now where he is in prison, his wife in jail and their kids well, I don't know.

Next issue:  Signs and symptoms of drug use, abuse and addiction. Old classic tell tale signs as well as the new ones. That's right folk even drug use evolves.

The above link is to my Facebook Group, "I love an addict"

Please comment so I know if I'm doing ok or boring you to death. Please share with anyone that needs this.

Until you have seen an infant go through drug withdraw you
haven't seen suffering. Watching my granddaughter in this pain and she
wasn't as bad as some babies is the thing that will haunt me the rest
of my life.

Monday, October 22, 2018

Drug Addiction Destroyed Our Family part 1

Drug Addiction not only destroyed my family but almost my relationship with God
Part 1 in a series of 3

On the last blog post on this subject I will provide
links for information and help and also share the some common yet not well known signs of drug use. If you need this information now, please contact me or leave a comment and I will contact you. 
Actually it does kill the addict!
Do you know how many times I  have written this post? Four times! I keep starting over and over and than I delete.

I do realize this topic is not something that can be covered in one post, so I will make it a series and should be able to cover it in about 3-4. That is the sad fact about how this affected our family.
Oh, it wasn't just my husband, kids and myself. It started out that way but as the years and years of this sad secret problem went on the pain branched out to many others. I call it "drugs the gift that keeps on giving".

Another problem that usually goes hand in hand with drug use is the ultimate clashing with the law. Oh boy there is no hiding that from the world. Some folks are polite and let you know they know and some are downright nasty and cannot wait to see you in the grocery and tell you they heard your sad news. These days its on the news even little things. In the papers and Facebook flashes your kids mug shot for all to see.  You can almost hear them on the phone retelling your horror.

Our story of drug addiction involves our son. Our only son. About 18 years ago our lives started to spiral into the worst pain, confusion and anger that you can only imagine. I hope you never have to feel it. Our son became involved with drugs as far as I know at 15. I do think he started smoking pot at 13. His first arrest was 16 and that was for an assault. Luckily the other participant was over 25 and well known to law enforcement so a good lawyer got the felony bumped to a misdemeanor.

Let me tell you this though, when you are sitting in a court room waiting for your kids hearing to start and the judge comes in we all stand than sit. The huge bailiff with the gun walks to a door on the side of the room, the door opens and another bailiff comes out but in front of him is your child. He is not only in an orange jump suit but this hands are cuffed. Your not surprised but than you notice he is walking funny. You crane your head a little higher to see over the gate in front of you and you see he is not just hand cuffed. Those handcuffs have a chain that hangs down wraps around his waist than drops down again and hooks up to shackles around his ankles. In case you don't know and I hope you don't, shackles are cuffs for the ankles. He is 16, he is beautiful, he is your boy.   That was the beginning of the end.

As a matter of fact, we haven't stopped

In our case our son looks like a young child. He is skinny has very short hair and wears thick glasses. Later he told us the other prisoners asked if he was in for computer crimes. The other inmates that day were older and a lot bigger.

Our son is sitting in prison at this moment he is 33 years old.  Actually in the Panhandle of Florida where hurricane Michael destroyed almost everything in its path. The prison was in its path. We don't even know at this moment if he is ok or not. The prison has illegally not reported all the damage and the injuries. The prison was badly damaged. The news has reported non of this. My calls have gained me no knowledge. If my son is able to call, he wont call us as we no longer speak.

An addict eventually has to inject the pills to maintain a high.
When that is not enough they have to use heroin and other drugs

We did not know our sons drug addiction or even that he had a drug addiction was ongoing in his teens. He hid it well, they all do. Oh he mostly smoked pot and if he did pills we didn't know about it. I don't believe at this time he was doing a lot of pills but than again what did I know. When we caught him smoking pot we started drug testing him. At first weekly than only if we had a curfew broken or other behavior that indicated that he was smoking. We busted him once with the test, grounded him took away activities permanently such as being able to go skate boarding where pot was available.

He did great, passed every test after that and seemed to be doing well. Little did we know again that cleansing kits could be purchased by youth and they would test clean.

My sister in law had a neighbor that had a tree trimming service. He hired my son and our nephew to help clean up after the brush. This worked out well. He started hanging our near home and basically left his friends I worried about. There was another family that visited this young couple, they had a little girl and they loved to fish, hunt, 4 wheel all those boy things. After meeting them and feeling they were ok for  my son to be around he began to go fishing with them and hunting. He really liked them. According to my son and the couple they not only didn't do drugs they didn't even drink. We were even told the man was involved in a conservation effort in our area. Yeah, poaching deer we find out later.  This my friends I later learned was a load of crap. This man not only introduced him to alcohol, pot and drugs, but to stealing fighting and breaking the law any way you wanted. The first fight and subsequent arrest my son had at 16 was at the urging of this man. I learned a very hard lesson. Please take heed. Your child has no business hanging with an adult for extended periods of time. We thought he was safe, in good hands and with mature people who cared for him as much as we did. We tried to stop this relationship but it went on behind our backs. My son eventually married into this crazy family. A whole basket of crazies with a lust for drugs, drinking and breaking the law.

 My husband went out and bought thousands of dollars worth of hunting and camping gear and leased land in another state for 3 yrs so that he could bond with him and try and save him from the road he was on.  It didn't matter, later on my son would sell those hunting rifles bows and gear to buy drugs. Eighteen years ago rehab was a joke. The courts didn't offer it the way they do now and even now the rehabs usually turn you down if they think your using them to get out of jail time. They did my son anyway. Our government insurance did not cover it and when we offered to pay cash (that we didn't have) they said they would only take him if he volunteered. Yeah fat chance!

A couple more years go by and he isn't doing too bad. He said he wasn't using and he didn't seem like he was. He graduated high school and worked.

When he was 17 we were able to move to a better neighborhood and thought we were doing good with him.

What happened next rocked our world and everything unraveled all at once.

He was out with his friend one night and we were in bed. Late that night a pounding at our door woke us. Before I even opened the door I knew something was seriously wrong and my son was at the center of whatever it was.

My hair stood on end, my stomach lurched and I opened the door. Several very pissed off looking cops were on the other side. My first words were, "is my son ok"?  They came in and a detective looked my in the eye and said, is he here? When that was settled they began to tell us he had been involved in a serious crime and they couldn't tell me what sort of crime and they HAD to find him  NOW.

He has been involved with a home invasion and a robbery as well as an assault. What, What the hell are you saying. When we here home invasion we think of poor Mr and Mrs. Jones. But that isn't the case in the drug world. Actually most home invasions are drug related. Drug addicts and drug dealers rob each other. Happens all the time. Our son was almost 18 at this time.

It took a day to find him and he turned himself in. Next was the worst few years of our lives. Long story short. He was in jail for almost a year, he plea bargained for 5 years probation and time served. He was so lucky the DA wanted  years. He was 18. The extremely expensive lawyer helped reduce charges and since his victim was a know drug dealer the DA went along.

It took him 8 1/2 years to serve that 5 years probation. He was in and out of jail the whole time. Finally he was placed on house arrest. It was than that he ran out of state as he was smoking pot and knew he would test positive. It's harder to fool your PO than your mother.

You must think what the hell was wrong with you people, ever hear of tough love.
This was our son, we loved him we felt somehow responsible. If we kicked him out he would surely get worse and die. He had counseling, drug classes, anger management. No stone was left unturned to help this kid. My husband even started an HVAC company while still working at Patrick AFB so that he would have a future and be able to take care of himself and a family. But we soon had to close that due to the drugs. He wouldn't show up for work, when he did he was high.

this is not our home. But, this is what I opened my door to one day. This is
standard procedure. 

While he was in another state a fugitive we were watching TV about 5 pm and a knock came at the door. I got up to answer and no one was there. I thought I must have heard something else and as I went to close the door a hand appeared and threw open the door. I damn near peed my pants and screamed. A swat officer showed himself and yelled where is __________. I looked in my yard and it was full of swat in full gear. They were everywhere. My husband came running to me and yelled there is a swat team in the back yard.

Now picture us mouths open, pale as milk and about 40 swat members in our yard and home looking for our child yet they would not tell me why. They disappeared as quickly as they came. Can you imagine what our neighbors thought. We never knew as we never left our house other than to go to work and straight back. I started smoking in the house as I didn't want to even sit on my porch.

We hid as much as we could from my in-laws. They were elderly and not well and we knew if we could barely handle it, it might seriously harm them. We didn't really talk to friends about it. We covered for him. Every friend we had drew away from us and I can understand that. It's too hard to see friends throw their lives away trying to save their kid. We were extremely depressed, our marriage was in the toilet and who wants to be around that?

I will close for now, above is a lot of writing and truthfully I need a break from it. I need a drink is what I need, lol. 

Next blog will go into how we tried to save him, how that didn't work. Losing our home our marriage and relationships with our other children. My failing health, 2 brain surgeries, more drug abuse and finally, finally the tough love and how it didn't work. I will tell you now he eventually marries has children, loses children, wife in jail at the same time he is and how he threatens to kill me whenever he does get the chance to talk to me. 

Please contact me with questions. there is a place for it here. Also leave a comment so I know your out there, lol. 
Just incase the contact option fails and with computers you never know. 
email me at:

that is, americangirldolldiy@gmail.com


Kirmet Gosnell and his house of horrors

I know I promised to do a blog on drug addiction this time however something just as important came up and I feel it is more timely. 

Next post will be on drug addiction and the destruction of the family. Promise.

My husband wanted to go to the movies today. He loves to go, I could never go again and be ok. 
To make it even more exciting he wanted to see  Gosnell: The Trial of America's Biggest Serial Killer  now don't get me wrong. I think this is an important movie also but not one to see for date night, besides I thought I could almost guess the whole movie plot. Just from the title and the commericals on TV one might figure it is a pro life movie. Boy was I wrong!!!!!!!

One of the things this prodigal daughter did while out partying and spending my parents money, (just kidding, my parents had no money) was to bury my head in the sand and pretend every important issue I should have been concerned about wasn't really happening. 

So off to the movies we went. We had heard some theaters were just pulling the movie from their theater earlier than expected. Now this would be happening because of political correctness which is a shame. Again this is not a pro choice pro life film. We know the side that would not want to see this movie out in theaters would be the pro choice side. Hear is the horrible shame about that. 

I hear them constantly on the news screaming and yelling about a woman's right to choose. Oh they also scream and yell about abuse of woman and how woman are treated so horribly by more conservative thinkers. 

Let me just say, this is crap pure and utter crap. This film sheds bright light on how woman and young girls are victimized by some not all but some of these doctors like Dr. Kermit Gosnell. This man abused woman and young girls for over 30 years. Why? for cash. Oh people said he provided this wonderful service in the poor neighborhoods. Crap again. Yes, some paid very little. He knew that was all they had. He performed abortions on them not because he cared regardless of their financial ability but in my opinion because he is a sick ticket who enjoyed what he did.  He also knew he would make more on other woman. Folks that is not even counting his massive income as a drug dealer. Yep, he sold Oxycontin Rx's for cash to anyone that wanted them. This is how the police first encountered him.  He was under Federal and local investigation for sell prescriptions and drugs. The rest the police just happened upon. So much for helping woman. 

The left and the pro choice people would also say, "this is why we have to keep abortion legal, so woman don't die at the hands of an ally and a coat hanger". That's their argument. Again this film not about abortion, I don't want to argue this but I do want to make this point for my friends that are pro choice. I am pro life and always have been. However, I want to love and care for all people. Doesn't sound like me but I'm telling the truth. I feel I'm right in my choice but I recognize you are going to believe what you want and have the right to feel what you want. My only hope is that one day your eyes will be open and you will realize what abortion really is and how it destroys a woman's soul. I'm sure you hope I change my mind some day as well. 

But please, do not preach to me about how much these legislators and doctors care about woman, or even how much you care about woman if you haven't even looked at this problem thoroughly.  Do you fully understand what happens in an abortion? Do you know the risks to a woman's life, ability to have children in the future or how some woman have been so injured they require a hysterectomy? 

I challenge you to see this film. A true story about a serial killer. I hear you. "your accusing him of serial killing for all the abortions he performed".  Wrong again dear. See the movie and tell me about the safety of abortions in a medical clinic. Oh wait, I realize not all are like this. There are clinics operated safely and legally. This one was not on either account. Do you have any idea how many Dr. Gosnell's there are out there. I didn't. Until today when doing some reading for this post I read that every county in America has at least one clinic such as Dr. Gosnell's. 

I know is must sound like I am on the anti abortion rant right now. I'm not, really you can believe that. I've said it before, other's are saying it today tomorrow and the next day. 

I am on a protect woman and children rant. I hear a lot about abortions and I know that message is being delivered. Today, my motivation is for woman, young and old. Why in this day and age are woman murdered during abortions. Acquiring sexually transmitted diseases while at these house of horrors. Being told to shut up and knocked out when they look around and see something isn't right and than having their child aborted under protest. 

Dr. Gosnell made this statement to his staff when he aborted a baby that was way past the legal age to abort. 

This was an amazing story, a hard story to see but thoughtful, truthful and eye opening for both sides of the issue. Pro Life and Pro Choice. It was a movie about the trial of a murderer. Plain and simple.

Without giving too much away, I feel I should say a few things for those that will not see the movie. No matter your belief system concerning abortion you may be faced with this situation. You should know the truth. The reason this movie is so important is that it is just a chip on the mountain of other clinics and doctors that work the same way.

Bags of human waste were scattered all over the clinic. 
Stairwells, hallways, offices everywhere. He did not pay
for a removal service. He also used these remains as bait for crabbing.
Karnamaya Mongar top left died needlessly in the clinic. As she was dying he could not help her as his equipment, crash cart oxygen machine were broken. He did not call 9 11 for a few hours. The baby in the picture is large. The cut off is 24 weeks. He is estimated by ME as several weeks past                                                                                

Yes the ugliness of the abortion industry, cash cow is exposed but that is not the story.

This link is from an interview on Fox News of a Kermit Gosnell Patient. 


The press obviously concerned this would harm the cause of the Pro Choice side has basically boycotted this movie. Now at this date there has been a rise in coverage. No real critic reviews unfortunately. In fact for days the courtroom was empty. No reporters. All you heard was crickets. A Blogger shamed the press into covering the story. She too is a hero in this drama.

In "real life", the jury had to be all pro choice. It did not say why unless I missed it  in the movie. It has been reported that every juror became a pro life believer after this movie. I don't know how these wonderful people sat through this and listened to all the details. It took 9 days for the jury to reach it's verdict. They gave it thought wouldn't you say? 

Dr. Kirmit Gosnell owned and operated a "woman's Clinic"  in Philadelphia PA for over 30 years. He was licensed by the state of PA. He was not board certified in gynecology or obstetrics. He was known  for cheap abortions mainly among the black and immigrant woman. However he charged 1500-3500 for late term abortions in 2010, I don't find that cheap. He performed abortions on white woman as well, they were done in a cleaner setting. The others were performed in his regular office and procedure room. These rooms were so filthy, littered with cat feces, bags and bags of medical waste thrown everywhere, fly's and other disgusting and dangerous conditions. His medical equipment was not working, his medication in his crash cart used to bring a patient back was expired. His oxygen machine did not work. His tables were covered in multiple patients blood and he reused instruments without even rinsing them off. 

His staff, not one person on his staff had any credentials. He hired girls as young as 15 off the street and " trained" them in medical procedures, pain management even anesthesia. 

A young woman who was hired at 15 showed this to police. This was her cheat sheet
for medication doses and uses. She color coded. Twilight custom heavy is for anesthesia. This probably 17 yr old girl by the end administered anesthesia. 

As you can guess and it is advertised in the movie trailer on TV that he is charged for the murder of several of the thousands upon thousands of babies he aborted and the murder of one of the mothers. 

I'm going to leave details of the movie there. Other than to say Kermit Gosnell and staff members were also charged with illegally distributing Oxycontin and other drugs on the side. His side hustle if you will. I do want to say this. Dr. Gosnell in my opinion was crazy. His clinic was filthy his home was filthy. While they were searching his home he played the piano. He was dumbfounded that anyone thought he did anything wrong. In the picture above he jokes about the baby walking to the bus stop. In this picture below, he collected the babies feet and other parts. When asked why he did this he said, "why for my research". He did no research, he just collected these precious babies parts. He also had a tank with turtles in the office. Before he would check his patients he would spend time with the turtles. When in court he asked the judge to make sure his turtles were taken care of. 

t is so strange how complacent we can become. It is scary and sad. There was a time in my early Christian years when I would have been all over this. I remember one of my dearest friends was very involved in the anti abortion movement in the late 80's. She went as far as marching at the abortion clinic in our area. She educated people and did a lot of work in that area. She said God had burdened her heart with this sadness. I remember she said once, that the woman broke her heart. That she knew they needed love and prayer and that they probably had no one. Beverly never ever judged them or said ugly things about them. 

I decided that I was going with her one day to the clinic. I have never been so scared in my life. I walked up and down, carrying my little sign and I just waited for someone to yell out, "hey you with the sign, what makes you think you should be here your a big ole sinner". Or I thought these things can get violent have you thought of that? I feared a coke bottle flying through the air and hitting one of us. Not to mention a shooting. Now I joke about this now but this happens. 

Then I would look in front of me and there would be my sweet friend marching and praying. Let me be honest I was praying for the situation also, but mainly I was praying Lord get me out of here.  So we quickly discovered I should help elsewhere. It's funny years later I related to my friend Beverly how scared I was that day and she said, "yea, I was always scared too". She kept doing it until that clinic closed I think. 

I couldn't tell you the last time I prayed about this issue in our country. Oh I say the little prayer whenever something comes up. But it hasn't pulled at my heart cause I haven't thought much about it. Our country is so plagued with problems, serious problems. War, terrorist, school shootings and the general decline of what we hold dear. I think sometimes "older problems" like abortion take a back seat to the newer problems.  

Here is my point. It's not just this issue I speak of tonight. It's everything. When we are burdened by problems be it our health, our children, our marriage and finances. It is easy to stop looking at the things in the world that should give us pause even bother us to the point we are at least praying about. We stop looking at Gods world as his creation that is being destroyed by evil. We look at things with the attitude of " well I have so many problems what can I do". Not a lot, maybe you cant do a lot. But you can pray. You can stay informed and pray for this world. Whats that? you don't have time? Yes there is so many bad things going on that it would take hours a day to get to everything. I didn't say, get on your knee's and stay there until you have prayed for everything you saw on Fox News today. 

This is what I learned to do. I pray without ceasing. While I shop, while I do dishes.  I have a large window above the sink in the kitchen. there is a beautiful lot next door. As I sat staring at it tonight and thinking about the movie I simply prayed 
"your world is so pretty, I'm sorry evil has brought evil. Lord Stop the Dr Gosnells. Help these woman who feel they have nothing left to do. Save the babies lord rally your people".  That took a minute. A simple prayer need not be hours long.
Pray in the car, while you jog or walk, sitting in the doctors office etc. 

Now this is when all the pro choice friends will chime in and say, " this is exactly why we have to keep abortion legal. So woman don't die in places like this by incompetent people like Kermit Gosnell. Let me say it this way. Kermit Gosnell was a licensed physician. Licensed by the state of PA. Kermit Gosnell had a clinic, he wasn't a novice practicing in a back ally with a coat hanger. This legal and licensed doctor and clinic was subject to regular inspections by the health department. However they never inspected this clinic. This is a common problem especially in cities. The Health Dept. said they didn't inspect his clinic because they were short handed. His life saving equipment was broken. His crash cart had no medicine and the paddles didn't work.  So Please tell me how going to a licensed doctor is any different than playing Russian Ru late. These clinics are nothing but money makers. Providing safe places for a woman to exercise her right to have an abortion. Bull hockey friends. There is nothing these people do to keep woman safe or advocate woman's rights. Yes, there are competent doctors, clean clinics but don't be fooled, there are many many Dr. Gosnell's out there. 

This is what our God must be doing when this horror is going on

This moral of my story is this. Wake up please wake up. what if it were your daughter that went to Gosnell, what if it were your sister, neighbor friend. Lots of young girls went there because it was cheap and he overlooked parental consent. 

Please go see this movie. That is before it is yanked totally. We need to know what evil is out there, we must be prepared to fight evil with prayer.

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Monday, October 15, 2018

Thank you for reading my very first blog on this subject.
I hope your read this and get something from it that will bless you. Any good thought in my head is from the Lord. Only he deserves glory. What you will read was hard, very hard for my to divulge. However, if even one person reads below, and that causes them to turn toward the father than I will deal with the embarrassment.

Be still and know that I am God
Psalms 46.10

You will read that verse above all through my post. That simple little verse (there is more to it).
I had read it several times, heard it in church, radio and basically everywhere.
However I never heard it like I did not too long ago. It is a little gem the lord gave me. A turning point if you will. Read on and I will tell you how the Prodigal Daughter came home.

I spent a lot of time in my life searching for love and peace. Little did I realize I had them both most of my life. But you see I didn't recognize that. Well, sometimes I did but not very often.

Life for me started out bad from birth. I was born into a family with parents that had a lot of substance control issues, violence issues and just about every other issue you can think of. The first time I was physically abused I was 3 months old. I was laying on the couch crying and my father didn't want to hear it so he picked me up and threw me against the fire place. My mother and older sisters say that the only thing that saved me was the thick blanket I was wrapped in. However, now I know Jesus put his hand out and caught me, for he had plans for me. 

I'm not going to go into every detail of my life it would take far too long and I'm afraid I would lose you to a blog on making pumpkin pie. I admit, that sounds like more fun reading. 

I became a Christian as a young child. I took myself to church from the time I was about 6 until my teen years. No one went with me. It was in Florida and the churches or most of them would pick up the kids in poor neighborhoods and bring them to church. I loved it. I felt very much loved and cared for. The best part was the ice cream we would get on the way home.

So sweet people let me ask you. Have you felt a loneliness in your life that was so strong it was like a punch in the stomach? Have you felt that you are less than all other people, that God just doesn't like you. Or have you thought, there is no way God could be real, a real God wouldn't have let me suffer. 

Friends I don't know why, if I could answer this I would be famous.  But this I do know. Bad things happen and if you don't know the lord and know how to tap into that power well, than I don't know how you or me will get through the tragedies. 

Your father loves you so much. Remember, you are fearfully and wonderfully made Ps. 139:14--You are made in the image of God Genesis 2:7____For God knit you in your mothers womb Ps. 139: 14-18

Do you realize how powerful that is? He knit us in the womb. I don't know if you knit but let me tell you that I don't. I tried and it was too dang hard. I quit that stuff. God didn't quit. he patiently made you, unique you no one else is just like you. 

He made you in his image. Did you ever notice a new parent, they want that baby to look like them. If the mother in law say's the baby looks like her child you will break out your baby photos and argue that the baby looks like you.  I like to think God was so proud he wanted us to be like him

Fearfully and wonderfully made. I don't believe the writer is saying God was fearful or scared when he made us. Rather in awe, Did you ever do something so awesome that you had that giddy, butterfly's in your stomach kind of fear? The nervouse excited fearful you just cant believe your doing it and your almost afraid it's not real or really happening. 
I like to think that is what it means by fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Just look at these wonderful pictures above and tell me that God doesn't do good work.

Sweet brothers and sisters, I want to thank you for coming to my blog and reading it. I've never done anything like this. I don't usually talk about God to people, especially potentially thousands of people. I really think this is part of the Plan God has for me. If only one person after realizes God does love them or you can go back to God in forgiveness. If someone decides dying isn't the answer than I know God's hand is in this. Maybe I wont know if this does help someone, but God knows and I just want to be obedient. 

Lord I ask you tonight to bless every person that reads this. To help them get some little gem from this. I pray that anyone that is lonely and without you will realize they are loved and need to come home to you. Help me to hear you and only write would you can use. I pray this in Jesus name.

Sweet people, thank you from the bottom of my heart for stopping by. Please subscribe by email so you will get new posts. If the comments section is working which it has been having kinks, but you will have to go to the bottom pretty far. Please leave a comment to let me know what you thought.

In the next post I will talk about Drugs/Opioids and how the family is destroyed by this. 

Thank you,